Last year I wrote a letter to my daughters called Don’t Be a Chess Queen.
I told them the queen is the most powerful piece on the board. She can move in any direction, across the entire board in a single turn. But too often her strength gets wasted protecting a king who can barely move.
I told them to never be that. To never spend their lives running in circles propping up a man who demands significance without bringing real value to the table.
A few men reached out after that piece. Some of them asked: what about us? What does it look like when the king is doing it right?
Fair question. So here it is.
The king is the most important piece on the board and is almost the weakest. He can move one square at a time. He cannot put himself in danger. The entire game revolves around protecting him. Every sacrifice, every strategy, every piece exists to keep the king upright while he shuffles from one safe square to the next, doing next to nothing.
I know men who live this way. I’ve coached many women who were married to them.
They sit in the center of the board while their partner runs in every direction. Managing the house. Carrying the emotional weight. Raising the kids. Sharing the financial burden. Planning the future. And he moves one square, occasionally, and is completely oblivious to his lack of contribution.
There is a population of men that I affectionately refer to as man-children. Biologically grown men who lack emotional maturity, avoid basic adult responsibilities, and expect others to take care of them. Man-children possess a special form of narcissistic entitlement. It was evolutionarily created through a social system known as patriarchy. These types of men are either clueless or are knowingly comfortable with being another child inside of the household structure.
But here is what is changing.
Women need men less than at any point in history. They do not need us for financial security. They do not need us for protection. They do not need us to have children. The old bargain is gone. What remains is a question most men have never been forced to answer: if she does not need you, what are you actually bringing?
A real partner does not sit in the center of the board waiting to be served. He moves. He anticipates. He shares the load not because he was asked to but because he sees it sitting there and picks it up. He matches her effort. He matches her ambition. He does not confuse being physically present with showing up.
If you are one of the men who does not want to be a Chess King, here are three things I would give you.
Provide. Not a paycheck. A life she feels safe inside. The kind of stability that lets her exhale when you walk through the door. Providing is not about what you earn. It is about what you build.
Parent. Not as her assistant. Not as the fun uncle who lives in the house. Own the raising of your kids. They are watching everything you do and everything you do not do.
Be present. Not in the room. In the moment. Emotionally available. Paying attention to what needs doing before anyone has to ask. Presence is a skill, and most men never practice it.
These three things are not complicated. They are just hard. The men I respect most do all three without anyone noticing.
Don’t be a chess king.
Be the partner she chooses, not the one she carries.
live freed,
Jordan
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