“This is so stupid. Why can’t I get myself to do this?”
If you’ve said that to yourself, you know the specific torture of the should.
The shoulds are the things you know you should be doing and yet somehow don’t. Eating healthy. Sleep. Exercise. Stop scrolling. Spend more time with your kids. The list is long and feels exhausting.
Shoulds are maddening, especially when they live on repeat. Repeated shoulds alchemize into something worse than frustration. They become shame.
We have a remarkable ability to turn our list of shoulds into a reflection of our worth as human beings. Somehow our inability to manipulate our own behavior has a direct correlation with our perceived value. We’d tell anyone else that isn’t true for them. But for ourselves? It is.
When shoulds come up in a coaching conversation, the first thing I want someone to understand is this:
A should is an attempt to activate your potential. But here’s what we don’t understand about the force of potential. Potential doesn’t respond to shame.
Our inner critic has zero influence over our potential. When shame calls, potential doesn’t answer. Shame gets sent directly to voicemail. Potential isn’t going to be spoken to like that. It has boundaries and self-respect.
So what does potential respond to? How do we gain access to the moments that really matter? The answer is simple but not easy; talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love. Perspective is the single greatest tool we have to mine our potential.
Let me show you what I mean. Pull out something to write with or open a note to type in. Answer this question: “What am I not doing that I know I should be?” Once you have two to three answers, stop.
Review your list. Ask yourself: “Which should would have the biggest impact on my life, business, health, or family if I followed through on it?” Narrow your focus until you’ve got just one. Which one will have the biggest impact?
Got it? Ok, I want you to think about who in the world you love most. Maybe it’s a partner, a child, a sibling. Who in the world do you love the most? Picture that person. Bring them into your mind’s eye. Imagine they are sitting in front of you right now but here’s the twist. This is no longer your should, it’s theirs.
You are their coach. They are sharing the frustration, the shame, the criticism, the cycle of abuse they’ve been putting themselves through. They are trying to access their potential but it isn’t answering. Desperate, they look at you and ask “What do I do?”
How you wouldn’t answer that question is just as important as how you would. You wouldn’t say “yeah I think you need to be harder on yourself. I think you aren’t being critical enough. Dial up the shame. Make yourself feel worse.” None of those words would leave your mouth because you know abuse doesn’t incite performance. You know that with every cell in your body when you’re talking to someone you love.
Whatever answer you would give to that question is probably the advice you need to hear. “Start smaller. Give yourself more grace. You’re making more progress than you’re giving yourself credit for.” You like them need coaching not criticism and guess what? Potential will listen. It will release itself into your bloodstream. Your shoulds will finally become musts.
I hope you will remember this forever… you will never become a winner talking to yourself like a loser. If you want access to your potential, show it and yourself the respect you deserve.
Be an inner coach, not an inner critic.
live freed,
Jordan
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