One of my favorite things to do is coach people in groups. I love the pressure and how the lessons of one person can impact everyone in the group. Recently, I had the opportunity, and something really amazing came out of it.
I was working with a real estate team, walking them through four questions I believe are foundational to any coaching relationship. They are simple questions but reveal a lot about where people are, where they’re going, and what’s stopping them:
What do you want and don’t have?
What do you have and don’t want?
What are you doing that you know you shouldn’t?
What are you not doing that you know you should?
I gave them ninety seconds each. I asked them to put their answers in the chat.
The patterns showed up immediately. Time blocking. Lead generation. Staying consistent. Going to the gym. Saving money. Waking up early. Managing their time.
They all knew what to do. They just weren’t doing it.
So I asked: if you know what to do and you’re not doing it, what’s getting in your way?
Someone unmuted. “For me, it’s definitely staying up late and doom scrolling or just watching TV. By the time I realize it, it’s midnight or past midnight, and I’m supposed to wake up at four or five, but then I end up sleeping in because I stayed up really late the night before.”
Let’s call her Sally. Sally had mentioned earlier in the chat that she is a single mom with little support trying to take care of her kids while building a business. That’s tough.
“Sally, my guess is that doom scrolling, television watching, that’s the only time you have to yourself. It’s when you self-soothe and escape. It’s your form of self-care. Is that right?”
She said I was right, then apologized for crying.
“When you think about staying up late and doom scrolling, would you label those behaviors as self-sabotage?”
She said yes.
“Ok. Write this down, self-sabotage is simply the presence of an unconscious need that is being fulfilled by the self-sabotaging behavior. We don’t engage in behaviors for no reason. Doom scrolling meets a need for you. If you don’t unpack that need and figure out how to meet it in a more healthy and vital way, you are doomed to repeat history.”
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the need staying up late and doom scrolling meets for her. It’s the time she has to herself. It’s her meeting her need to self-soothe, which we all need to do. We all need to recover and restore. But like most of us, she wasn’t self-soothing through consciousness; she was doing it through chemicals.
Phones. Television. Alcohol. Gummies. Whatever your device is, maybe it’s a combination of all of them.
I told Sally, “Single moms are one of the big reasons I stay in real estate. It’s one of the few industries where you can walk in with no money, no education, no last name that opens doors, just a burning desire to build your version of a mini empire.”
She agreed.
Just becoming aware of the need and how she was meeting it wasn’t enough. I knew at that moment I had to help her attach what she was going through to a higher meaning. I had to appeal to the hero inside of her. That part of her that is stronger than the battle she’s fighting. I needed to help her figure out how to transcend suffering.
“Sally, something I want you to understand is we all suffer. We all go through pain, uncertainty, and are required to do the work as humans. And I want you to consider something. What if your journey isn’t for you? What if it’s for the other single moms? What if you’re meant to be an example, not just of grit, but of grit with grace? Of getting through this season and coming out stronger because of it. What if all of this is simply preparing you to help other women who find themselves in a similar situation? What if you’re the person meant to put your arm around those women and say, ‘I know exactly how you feel, and I am going to show you how to not only get through this but come out better on the other side?’”
She went silent. It worked. The nerve I was mining for was struck.
Suffering is a teacher. It teaches us where we are meant to grow. It teaches us where we are meant to serve. Its lesson is always available if we just ask a few simple questions: What is this meant to teach me? Who is this preparing me to serve?
The answers to these questions won’t absolve you of all pain. It doesn’t make the challenge go away. But they do release the power you need to rise and meet the moment. I trust that’s exactly what Sally will do and hope you will too.
What is this meant to teach me? Who is this preparing me to serve?
Pain is a teacher. Suffering is a teacher. You transcend it by becoming a student.
live freed,
Jordan
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