“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.”-Barbara Johnson
It took a while to get my coaching career off the ground. I learned quickly that I was not as skilled as I thought I was. There were many days and nights I wondered if I had what it took to make it. It was tough, exhausting, and at times maddening.
After three years of grinding and refusing to give up, the lights began to turn on. My skill set moved into full development, and I started to notice that I could predict what a client was going to say before they said it. Dots I didn’t even know were there began to surface and connect. Sitting in my basement office of our rental home, a feeling of relief flooded over me as I realized, this is actually going to work.
As my skills grew, monetary success followed. A big part of my identity has always been providing for my family. At that stage of life, providing meant safety, stability, and eventually opportunity. Rochelle and I were devout followers of Dave Ramsey and his book The Total Money Makeover. We had paid off all of our debt and were living well below our means. Our decision making was on point in that season.
As the income increased, my definition of providing grew with it. I began to believe that providing meant giving my family experiences. Travel. Adventure. Memories that would last forever. In my mind, experiences were the payoff. Work hard, make it, and then make up for the grind with unforgettable moments.
Our first big trip as a family was an all out affair. With both kids and my parents in tow, we booked a big house on the beach, every excursion we could, and the best dinners the area offered. Best of the best. The cost was not considered.
It was a great trip. The kids played on the beach and enjoyed every activity we had planned. With the exception of some unseasonable rain and cold weather, it worked out exactly how we had imagined it would. My expectation of providing was fulfilled. At least that’s what I thought until the plane ride home.
On the flight home, I was sitting next to my oldest daughter, Leah. After getting her settled into her seat, I asked her…
“Leah, what was your favorite part of the trip?”
The list she had to choose from was long. Pirate cruises. A children’s museum. Building sandcastles. But her answer didn’t include any of that.
“The day it rained and we stayed at the house to play Monopoly.”
“Wait, what? What about the beach, the seafood dinner last night, or any of the other stuff we did?”
“No. I really liked it when we all played Monopoly.”
No hesitation. No wavering. Straight up Monopoly.
I would be lying if I said I was not a little irritated. We had spent all that money, all that effort, and all that planning, and her favorite part could have been accomplished with a twenty dollar board game. But the more I thought about it, the clearer it became. It was not the Monopoly she loved. It was our undivided attention. She valued our attention more than the adventure.
“The biggest mistake parents make is forgetting what it is like to be a child.”
-Mr. Rogers
Raising kids is often an act of remembering. Remembering what it was like to live in a world of wonder and innocence. Remembering what it was like when your parents were your favorite people on the planet. Remembering that the best things in life cannot be bought.
Since that trip, we have gone on many more. In fact, I am writing this on an airplane, sitting next to my wife and kids, heading home right now. I still love experiences. I still value adventure. But that first trip taught me something I have to remind myself of almost daily. My family does not want my ability to provide experiences nearly as much as they want my presence. What they really want is me.
In a world of never ending devices and constant distraction, attention is a rare commodity. I would be lying if I said I do not struggle with it. But I am far more aware now of the trade I am making when I choose elsewhere over here. I learned that I can work my entire life to give my family everything, and still miss the thing they value most if I am not paying attention.
live freed,
Jordan
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