Today you are going to learn a life lesson from an 11-year-old that, if you are willing to put it into practice, your life will improve in almost every way.
One of the coolest parts of being a parent is the relationships you get to form with the friends your children make. At our house, we have a few regulars that at times feel a little like our own. It’s fun getting to know them, watching them grow, and most of all learning from them.
My kids have one good friend that we as adults can all learn a lot from.
She comes from a good family. She is kind, respectful, and deeply competitive. I love beating her at volleyball in the street in front of our house. The last game was kids vs. adults. Kids win, we take them to ice cream. Adults win, they do the dishes. I really enjoyed watching all of them in the kitchen post-defeat while talking trash behind the safety of the breakfast bar. Two of these kids are black belts, so I have to watch myself should one of them snap and attempt to attack.
One thing I have come to really love and respect about this kid is how comfortable she is with asking for what she wants.
She isn’t rude. She isn’t demanding. Just clear, willing, tenacious, and unapologetic in her requests. And the best part? The part we as adults could take lessons on… she asks while remaining completely unattached to the outcome.
Many of her requests are met with a “no” or “not right now.” Some of them are downright implausible.
“Can you take us to the store to get the stuff we need to bake right now?”
“Uhh no. It’s 9:30. Why don’t we try that in the morning?”
The best part is what doesn’t happen after she is told no. Her feet don’t stomp. She doesn’t whine. No pouting or fit-throwing. No “this isn’t fair.” From what I can see, rejection has little to no impact on her. She pushes, but when she knows she isn’t going to get the answer she wants, she accepts it and moves on.
Asking for what we want is a skill we all possess. Getting told no without getting caught up in our own personal drama is a superpower. Each of us is capable of it, and it requires courage.
“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” – Oprah Winfrey
Asking for what I want or for help has been a lifetime struggle for me. I don’t want to put people on the spot or be a burden. I don’t want to look incapable or incompetent. For the longest time I ignored the need to ask for help. Rather than just putting my fears aside and asking, I consistently took the long road, creating more stress, isolation, and frustration than necessary.
Here lies the hypocrisy that I live with. I’ve devoted my life to helping people. I read, listen, and write endlessly in an attempt to help others design lives of freedom. Just Friday I spent nearly an hour on the phone with a friend helping her work through a challenge she is currently having with her daughter.
“When you can’t ask for help without self-judgment, you are never really offering help without judgment.” – Brené Brown
That quote has haunted me since I first read it. I’ve tried a million times to invalidate it, and it never works. If you can’t receive without expectation, then you can’t give without expectation. That makes my stomach hurt, but I know this is an integral part of my growth journey and a necessary step for me to take as a partner, father, coach, and friend.
I remember exactly where I was when I finally understood the power of just asking. Life had me painted into a corner. My mom was sick, and we knew the end was near. My responsibilities were piling up, and the overwhelm was pushing me to a breaking point. In my desperation, I called my dear friend Jen Davis. She listened. She coached. And she said, “Jordan, you need to just go be with your mom. Everyone understands, and those who don’t, don’t matter. Let go, and I will help you figure it all out when the time comes.”
Relief.
It’s been a year and a half since that conversation, and it still makes me emotional. I asked. She answered. It was exactly what I needed. Jen would never take credit for it because her humility knows no bounds, but she saved me that day.
I’ve written this for two reasons. First, I want to empower you to act like my daughters’ friend. Boldly go into the world and ask for what you want. Summon the courage, detach yourself from the outcome, and ask. Second, don’t struggle alone. Asking for help isn’t quitting. It’s refusing to quit. Find the courage to tell on your thoughts and allow your village to lift you up when you need it. Being strong all the time only sounds good in movies and romance novels.
The life you want is likely on the other side of an unanswered question. Be one of the few who shed their insecurities and ask for what you want.
live freed,
Jordan
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