“I want to get to the next level.”
This is the most common answer I receive when asking someone what they are looking to gain from a coaching relationship with me.
My follow up questions are always the same… “What does next level mean to you? How would you know you’ve gotten to the next level?”
The answers vary but they all have something in common; vagueness.
Many of us have this innate need to improve our circumstances. There is something in us that pushes us towards wanting more and better. A hunger that tells us our circumstances should be improved. And yet so much that happens within us these forces of hunger are not often thoughtfully questioned or deeply understood.
What I’ve found is many of us are living inside of a real life game of Pac-Man.
You’ve probably played the game and know how it works. Pac-Man is dropped into a level with one mission; eat all the dots before the ghosts eat him. It’s a simple game of constant movement, changing direction, and doing your best not to get eaten.
But what does he get by eating all the dots? Peace? Calm? Understanding? No. Another level. More dots. And hungrier ghosts. This is the cycle many of our lives fall into. Running around doing what we can, labeling it as busyness, eating dots trying to get to the next level. And yet the next level just has more dots and hungrier ghosts. I call this the Hungry Ghost cycle and it just repeats.
I first learned about hungry ghosts from Gabor Mate’s best selling book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It is a heartbreaking book about the bonds of compulsive self destructive behaviors woven together with deep scientific research and the personal stories of lost souls in the throes of addiction.
According to Mate, “hungry ghosts” represent insatiable emotional voids, deep unmet needs for love, connection, security, or worthiness that many human beings spend a lifetime trying to feed. Because those needs were never fulfilled (often due to trauma or early childhood experiences), people try to fill the emptiness with substances, success, work, relationships, food, or other compulsions.
The concept of hungry ghosts originates in Buddhism and describes beings with large empty stomachs and tiny mouths, forever searching for something to fill them but never able to feel satisfied. The idea of the next level is just a false advertisement many of us buy into even though the current one didn’t do what we thought it would.
I have never had a single person answer no when asking the question “Have you already achieved goals you thought would make you happy?” What if goals and next level aren’t the answer to the peace and happiness we so earnestly seek? What if the next level is just a different playing field for you to run from the same ghosts that were chasing you on this one? Ghosts don’t give a shit what level you’re on. They follow you from one to the next with ease. They’ll find their way into a Mercedes just as easily as a Toyota. Designer clothes are no more of a shield than the sundress you can buy at Target. Just like Pac-Man you can run but you can’t hide.
But there’s a twist in the game of Pac-Man that just might hold the solution to ending this cycle and designing the life of freedom your heart is calling you to. In the game there are some dots that are bigger than others and they’re found in the corners of each level. The technical name for them is Power Pellets (badass right?) and when Pac Man eats one the game changes. The ghosts lose their power. They can’t eat Pac-Man he eats them. Pac-Man moves from prey to predator.
So what are the Power Pellets in our lives? What are the sources of power that will give us the strength to stop running from our hungry ghosts but to turn, face, and chase them? That question can be answered many different ways and yet one I’ve found to work exceptionally well is radical acceptance.
The stoics had a term they used to illustrate acceptance in action; amor fati.
Amor fati is a Latin phrase meaning “love of fate” or “love of one’s fate.” It is a concept from Stoic philosophy that encourages one to not only accept but to embrace everything that happens in life, both good and bad, and to see it as necessary and even desirable. This mindset involves accepting events as they happen without resistance, reframing negative experiences as opportunities for growth, letting go of the need to control, and feeling gratitude for all experiences because they have purpose and value.
Accept your ghosts. Face your fears. Acknowledge them. Allow them to speak. Don’t turn. Don’t run. Understand that the fears you face are the fires that forge the mindset of the unshakeable self. Fear is a mile wide and an inch deep. Once you step into the water you’ll see it barely covers your foot. You are a giant. You are a force of nature. You are made from the same material that gives life to every living breathing creature on earth. You are unbreakable, unshakeable, and built to f*cking last.
The Power Pellet of acceptance is going to change the inner game of your life if you truly embrace it. Fully accept all events as they happen, without resistance, judgment, or self-pity. Stop living in resistance to reality. Learn to embrace and accept what is.
We spend so much time, energy, and activity avoiding fears that we are actually built to handle. Life will keep serving you dots and ghosts as long as you believe peace lives somewhere else. The work isn’t to escape the maze; it’s to remember you were never trapped. Freedom begins the moment you stop asking for the next level and start loving the one you’re already in.
live freed,
Jordan
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