I’ll never forget the first time I came across this quote:“
When you keep criticizing your kids, they don’t stop loving you. They stop loving themselves.”
My first thought was, “Wow, that’s powerful.” Gratitude washed over me because I don’t criticize my kids.
And then, in godwink fashion, the very next day I came across another quote from Martha Beck:
“Your children will not treat themselves the way you treat them. They will treat themselves the way you treat yourself.”
Shit.
I realized I criticize them all the time. Every single day. Not directly, but through the way I treat myself. My inner critic is a mean bastard. He’s smart, calculating, and always ready.
What I realized is that I’ve criticized my kids more times than I can count, it just wasn’t directly. It was secondhand.
When I was a kid, I remember a specific message: “Take it outside.”
The message was directed at parents who were smoking inside their homes with their children. While secondhand smoke isn’t as dangerous as firsthand, it still carries significant health risks.
That campaign was effective because it didn’t start by demanding perfection. It simply said, if you aren’t going to stop, at least don’t let your habit harm your children.
There are two kinds of criticism our children grow up around: firsthand and secondhand.
Firsthand criticism comes straight at them, out of the mouths of parents, teachers, or friends. Secondhand criticism shows up around them, what they witness, what’s modeled. I was criticizing my kids with the secondhand smoke of my internal conversation.
Parents who directly criticize their children are giving their own inner critic a voice through language. Parents like me, who indirectly criticize their children, are doing it through behavior.
Kids are far more intuitive than we give them credit for. They read us in tone, in posture, in sighs.
What that quote helped me realize is that parenting and living with an inner critic can’t be taken outside. I’ve got to do the work. My life isn’t Southwest Airlines my baggage doesn’t fly for free.
Converting the critic to a coach is hard work, but it’s worth it. Because the question isn’t “Am I parenting the right way?” It’s “Am I the adult I want my kids to be?”
live freed,
Jordan
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