Last weekend my oldest daughter Leah tested for her black belt in Taekwondo. Both of my girls started their martial arts journey back in 2020. She worked and waited for five years to earn her black belt. Saturday was a big day for all of us.
My intention for enrolling them in martial arts was to teach them the Law of Process. I learned about the Law of Process from John Maxwell’s book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership. The idea is that leadership is built daily, not in a single day. Growth comes step by step, through steady rituals, habits, and practice. You don’t “arrive” as a leader overnight. You become one by showing up, learning, and building capacity over time.
In Taekwondo students aren’t allowed to skip belts. It is a progression. Everyone starts from the same place and follows the same process. Written on the wall in the school they attend is “A black belt is a white belt who never gave up.” I love that. No shortcuts. Belt by belt. Step by step. It does not matter how talented or smart you are. Everyone goes through each step.
During each cycle for belt progression the students are graded based on five things: attendance (minimum of 20 classes), a weapon, form, board break, and sparring. Since we knew she was testing we did our best to focus her. She attended 27 sessions, two private lessons, and practiced literally every day for the three weeks leading up to testing day. I am really proud of her dedication, especially since she was going into a new school with a much heavier workload.
Testing started on Saturday at 10 am. It was rigorous and at times hard to watch. There were multiple stages and it lasted over four hours. She did well and yet had one mishap during her board break. After three attempts she did not fully break it. Before this cycle we sat down with the lead instructor and he shared that board breaks are not pass or fail, so we were hopeful she did well enough in the other areas to pass.
After testing the instructors told us they would review each student and later that evening there would be a belt ceremony at 6 pm. We went home anxiously awaiting to find out if she passed. At 5:11 we received a call from the lead instructor. He asked to speak to Leah. When she came to the phone he informed her she did not pass and would not receive her black belt in this cycle. We were devastated.
Since she had classmates and one really close friend who also tested and passed we asked Leah to still attend the belt ceremony, which she did. She found it hard to fight back the tears and the mixed emotions of being happy for her friend while also dealing with the disappointment of not getting her own black belt.
During the ceremony she got overwhelmed and I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. Rochelle and I walked her to the car and sat with her in the back seat. She cried her little eyes out. Even writing about this now, days later, the feeling still swells in my chest knowing that I would do and give anything to take that pain away from her. Every parent knows the feeling.
“It feels like my world is ending,” she said through the tears. As a father my heart was shredded but as a coach I heard something else. I have sat through over 15,000 coaching conversations. The ups, the downs, the real shit people deal with each and every day. My coaching instinct is strong af not because I am special but because I am seasoned. When she said that I knew the gift she was being given. Failure is not fatal.
I did not jump on that opportunity to share the lesson with her. It was too fresh. We gave her space and let her grieve the expectation that today was going to be the day she would become a black belt. I am proud of Rochelle and me. We waited, held, listened, and sat.
Later that night, still working through the feelings, I decided to text the school. Below is the message I sent. Although painful, the lesson was being taught and I wanted to express my gratitude for the role the instructor and school played in her development.
Going for her black belt again did not come up until Monday morning on the way to school. I asked, “So Leah, what do you want to do about your black belt? Do you want to take the cycle off or go at it again?” She said, “I am not stopping until I have my black belt. I am going to train harder than ever for the next three months.” Pride. Nothing but pure pride.
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
― Winston S. Churchill
I learned so much from this process as a father and coach. So many lessons I have not gotten them all out yet. But one I want you to hear. I hope you fail.
I hope you fail because just like my daughter I want you to learn it is not fatal. It might feel that your world is coming to an end but every ending creates a new beginning. Real failure is the conscious decision to quit. Everything else is just feedback.
Whatever you’re working through now just know I’m rooting for you. I’m here for you. I want you to win. And along your way if it feels like you’ve lost just remember if you are still breathing you’re still in the game. Keep going. Don’t quit. Failure is not fatal.
live freed,
Jordan
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