I asked a client this question last week and it caused an instant aha moment.
“Do you have to be stressed to be at your best for your clients?”
“I don’t know. I’m stressed all the time.”
“I can tell. Why is that?”
“Everything is hard right now. Every deal is hard. People feel impossible to please.”
“I get that it feels that way. And your stress isn’t caused by your clients. You cause it. That stress is part belief and part biology. And there is one concept that if you learned to practice it your entire experience as a business owner would improve. It’s called detached concern. Do you know what that is?”
“No.”
Here’s how I broke it down; belief and biology.
Belief
Detached concern is a professional and psychological balancing act. It is the ability to maintain deep empathy, warmth, and compassion for someone (concern) while preserving an objective, healthy emotional distance (detachment).
I started looking for the concept of detached concern out of frustration. Based on the number of conversations I’ve had about my clients acting as a stress sponge, I knew I had to find a solution. So I asked myself, “What other profession consistently deals with people in their most stressful moments?” The answer revealed itself immediately; the medical field. Detached concern is taught to all types of healthcare providers. Take a surgeon for example. A panicking surgeon is a dangerous surgeon. Clients don’t need their contractor, advisor, or agent to panic with them. They need someone steady enough to see clearly. The surgeon doesn’t love the patient less because they don’t cry during the procedure.
We somehow believe that absorbing our client’s stress proves we care. If we aren’t feeling the weight of their problems, we aren’t invested enough. The stress is our connection and our fuel. It’s what gets us to show up and deliver. The belief that we have to absorb the stress of our clients or that we are somehow shortchanging them is just inherently false. To escape it we must recognize and remember “A panicked surgeon isn’t the best surgeon.”
Biology
There is hard science behind why we absorb the stress of the people around us. We have a system in our brains called mirror neurons that cause us to automatically sync to the emotional states of those around us. We are neurologically wired to experience what others are experiencing. It’s why when you watch someone crash on a skateboard you still cringe and close your eyes as if it’s happening to you.
Automatic is not the same as inevitable. There is a moment in time where, if we learn to stop and notice that we are absorbing the stress of another person, that moment becomes a choice. In that moment we can make a new choice.
As a coach, my job is to provide people with practical tools they can use in the moments that matter most. I call this moment mastery. The tool I use most is a simple question.
Are you a thermostat or a thermometer?
Thermostats set the temperature in the room. Thermometers adjust to the temperature in the room. How you are choosing to use your awareness will decide how you answer this question. If you pay attention, you can detach yourself from the concern of your clients and put yourself in a much stronger mindset.
The world is filled with thermometers. You can be one too. That’s your choice. But at what cost? Absorbing the stress of others doesn’t mean you care more. Instead it will lead you down a path of burnout until you couldn’t care less. Be a thermostat, not a thermometer. Detach your concern and live freed.
Jordan
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